When Expectations Don't Match Reality

What do you want to be when you grow up? While I'm still trying to answer that question, recent events have made me realize that life looks a lot different now then it did when I was little.

When I was little I wanted to be lots of different things: horse trainer, mathematician, astronomer, veterinarian, geologist. My love of animals, the outdoors, and of numbers came through in how I thought I would spend my grown-up life.

When I graduated from high school and ended up working instead of going to college, my dreams of any job that required a higher education were put by the wayside.

Then marriage and more working; and it wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I decided that I wanted to have a family--and a big one at that. I loved the good old-fashioned role of housekeeping where my inner Martha Stewart would come out. However, fate didn't have that in the cards for me as it's hard to have a lot of children when you're divorced (not impossible, mind you, but not how I envisioned it), and working full-time kept me out of school.

Being single throughout the rest of my child-bearing years cemented the fact that I would only end up with one child and not six; but that's okay because as a single person I have learned how to be self-sufficient and I was able to shower my attentions on one child.

More than anything, however, I want to spend time with family. While that has nothing to do with what I want to be when I grow up, it does have to do with what the picture in your head of your adult life looks like as you grow up.

Spending the holidays in a home surrounded by family and in the midst of countless holiday traditions are my "visions of sugarplums" that dance in my head. Expectations had me wishing for one thing. Reality, however, turned out quite differently.

As my family has become scattered across the globe and their family dynamics have them pulled in different directions for the holidays, I find myself spending a lot of time alone trying not to think about everyone else surrounded by their families.

So what do you do when your expectations don't match reality? You change your expectations to something that's more attainable.

For example: I have a friend from church who didn't want to stress herself too much over the holidays because her job was changing and she had a lot to think about. So she chose to spend Thanksgiving in reflection and meditation. She got some much needed answers and was thankful for the time alone.

For me, while I do get to spend some time with my family, I also spend much of the holidays with friends and their families. It's starting new traditions with my best friend like having a cookie decorating day (or days) and sharing the grocery shopping madness together before each of the holidays.

I have also learned to change my definition of "family". Those I consider family now, while not related by blood, are related to me by the experiences and friendships that we share.

The holidays are tough on those of us who are alone. As long as we manage our expectations we should be able to get through all this craziness in one piece.

Getting It All Done

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The one thing I have learned throughout all my years of being single is that you can't get it all done. As someone who works full time, Monday through Friday, my weekends are filled with endless to-do lists. I find that I am always making a choice between being a responsible adult and doing my chores, or blowing them all off to do something fun. Sometimes it is really hard to find the balance.

This past weekend I had the following on my to-do list:

• Finish puzzle - because I need the table it's on for my seedlings
• Clean the basement - just breaking down some random boxes and putting a few things away, not too bad
• Laundry
• Vacuuming
• Sweep kitchen floor
• Pick up dog land mines in back yard
• Go to pet store for dog food (so they can make more land mines)
• Look for dog frisbee that is in a box "somewhere" in the house ... or not.
• Replant my seedlings - This requires a trip to the garden center for some more potting soil and some 3" pots, and to the dollar store for some more cups to use as small pots
• Church (Singing for both services which takes an entire morning, so it goes on the list)
• Check out new hobby store that opened by my house
• Walk the dogs, twice
• Get a workout in
• Stop at liquor store so I can get the fixin's for this drink I want to try with these great strawberries that came my way (Where do I find triple sec? Oh, it's by the liquoooooors.)
• Prepare various meals, try new energy bar recipe, and make something with the left over buttermilk from last weekend

Not an exhaustive list, but quite a bit to do none-the-less. Plus there's loads of things that didn't even make the list:

• Rake the yard
• Pick up yard debris
• Get to hardware store for some Stabil for my gasoline can and snowblower
• Wash my truck - inside and out
• Fix flower beds that dogs have dug up
• Take "Bob" out for a spin
• Get to Sam's Club to replace TV that died
• Hem jeans with new sewing machine that I haven't even taken out of the box yet

It is physically impossible for me to get all of this done by myself. Plus, have you ever noticed that when you are away from work times moves at a much faster pace than normal? Something that should take half an hour suddenly takes one-and-a-half hours. A 20 minute shower turns into an hour spent in the bathroom because you decide you have to rearrange one of the drawers in the cabinet. Putting your laundry away from last week turns into an hour long project because you decide you need to rearrange all the shoes in your closet.

I can always tell when I've had a busy weekend because I get to work on Monday and my feet still hurt. Since I have a desk job my poor feet aren't used to standing all day long. By Sunday night I find that if I sit still for longer than 15 minutes rigor-mortis sets in. It always feels good to get to work on Monday and be able to sit down again and rest.

Then there's the inevitable task that will present itself that needs immediate attention. For example, I got home from church to find that Ellie had ripped open a teddy bear that you can put in the microwave oven and use as a hot pack. It had all these little pieces of cracked corn in it which were now spread all over the floor of one of the bedrooms (I wish I would have taken a picture--but I was too flabbergasted to run downstairs and grab my camera). I wasn't planning on having to pick up millions of little bits off the floor and it took me an hour to clean up because I had to get the vacuum cleaner out and, well, as long as I had the vacuum cleaner out and have to move the bed I might as well vacuum all around the edges of the carpet and then, well, I might as well vacuum the rest of the house while I'm at it!

Image courtesy of peanuts.wikia.com

Sometimes I can't get it all done. Sometimes no matter what you do the odds are against you. Sometimes, in the end, you just have to admit defeat and go shopping.

Sono Sola

One of my favorite movies, “Eat, Pray, Love” has a line in it when Liz Gilbert is trying to learn Italian.  She says, “Sono Sola” or “I am alone”.  I remember that line specifically when I saw that movie the first time because I remember thinking that this could be me and I could relate to how she felt.  It was at a time in my life when I was trying to make the decision to leave my husband.

I have been married twice.  Once when I was 22, divorced at 31, single for 17 years, and then married again for four years.  For the first part of the 17 years I was single after my first marriage I dated with the purpose of finding another husband.  I didn’t like being alone.  I was afraid of getting old and being alone especially when my first husband remarried and got on with his life. But after a while I realized that I was doing okay and really didn’t need a man in my life, especially if he didn’t bring something to the relationship that I couldn’t provide for myself.

Being alone has it’s good points but it can also be a hassle.  This world seems biased toward couples.  The advertising drives me crazy with all the couple stuff, recipes are usually made for at least four people, the entire Entertainment book is filled with buy one, get one offers which I can’t use.  When I go to a party or an event, I’m usually the only one there who isn’t with someone else. It gets very tiring being the “third wheel”. 

Try putting up a long curtain rod when you have no help -- thank goodness for ladders.  Every time I want to buy a new piece of furniture I either have to pay to have it delivered or recruit some help (although I did manage to get a double mattress upstairs by myself -- thank you personal trainers). In addition, the monthly bills are a lot easier to pay when they are split in half.

However, I decided to look at being single in a glass-is-half-full attitude.  There are quite a few obvious benefits to being alone.  For instance, I don’t have this conversation anymore:

    “What do you want to have for supper tonight?”

    “I don’t know, what do you want?”

    “How about pork chops?”

    “No, I’m not in the mood for pork chops.”

    “Well, then how about fish?”

    “No, I don’t feel like eating fish.”

    “Well, then what do you feel like eating?”

    “I don’t know, just not pork chops or fish.”

That conversation?  Gone! 

I also get to have the entire bed to myself.  There’s an old country song, “Sleeping single in a double bed.”  Well I’m sleeping single in a KING bed!!  It’s awesome!  One night I fell asleep watching TV and woke up sideways in the bed.  Can’t do that with another person in there.  The rooms is kept at the right temperature, the electric blanket is on MY temperature setting, and I can have as many pillows as I want on the bed without anyone complaining about it.

Other obvious perks:

• No toothpaste splatters in, on and around the sink, and the seat is ALWAYS down;
• Clothes are put in the laundry basket when taken off or hung up or put away to be worn again;
• I can leave as many pairs of shoes out as I want, and anywhere I want;
• No explaining why I need another new pair of shoes;
• I get all the closets to myself;
• No trail of tools from the latest home project completed two weekends ago scattered across the house; until I pick them up which promptly receives a reply of, “I was just going to put those away”;
• The only unwashed dishes in the sink are mine and are the ones that don’t go into the dishwasher (the rest are put into the dishwasher right away);
• I don’t have to explain that the little light on the dishwasher above the “Clean” label means that the dishes in the dishwasher are, in fact, clean;
• Flowered sheets, pillows, comforters, towels, etc.
• I don’t have to watch any more movies that involve massive shooting sprees, or blowing things up, or dumb comedies; and I can watch “Pride and Prejudice” as many times as I want to, back-to-back, including director’s commentary.
• I could go on forever …

So now I have a new rhythm to life, a new chapter.  However this one is entirely on my own.  My son is 23 and is living in another city where he goes to college.  After I moved into this house I just bought I was surprised to realize that I had never actually lived alone.  I went from living in my parent’s house to living with my first husband.  Then when I got divorced my son and I lived together until I got remarried which is when my son moved away to college.  Being alone in a house is completely different.  Okay, well, technically I’m not really alone, alone.  I do have my cat and my canary.  And I also just adopted a sweet little rescue dog.  At least I have someone in the house so when my girlfriend pops over and hears me talking I can say I was talking to the dog, not myself (which I do, and which is okay when you live alone).  

Sono Sola:  I am alone and I am good with it.