"Rebbe, why does the Torah tell us to 'place these words upon your hearts'? Why does it not tell us to place these holy words in our hearts?" The rebbe answers, "It is because as we are, our hearts are closed, and we cannot place the holy words in our hearts. So we place them on top of our hearts. And there they stay until, one day, the heart breaks [open] and the words fall in."--Parker Palmer, "The Politics of the Brokenhearted"
Have you ever heard the expression a "hardened heart"? Sometimes I think that's what happens to us as we go through a divorce. We get hardened hearts. We want to protect our hearts so we put up barriers to keep from getting hurt again. In essence we strengthen ourselves by thickening the outer shell of our hearts and making them impenetrable. In essence we are saying, "You are not going to hurt me again."
But it doesn't have to be a divorce that will put you in this hardened-heart state. It can be anything that hurts your heart and makes you not want to go through that hurt again. Losing a spouse, a job, a friend, or a beloved pet will do it. Having your only child go off to college just about did me in. Suffering through illness, setbacks, or accidents can do it too. It can happen when we go through any life changes--we grieve the life we lost and try to protect ourselves from any more suffering.The problem is, that sometimes, by hardening our hearts--raising our "shields" so to speak-- we keep God out too.
For a long while after I got divorced the only thing my heart could feel was anger. This was the hardening of my heart. In the course of one year I had lost a marriage, two beloved pets and my home. I was angry at my husband, angry I had to go through a divorce again, angry I had to move, angry my life was in upheaval. I would say to myself, "Just get through the day, don't think about what's you've lost or question what lies ahead." I felt abandoned and unloved. It seemed for the longest time as if I was stuck in survival mode.
My pastor said in her sermon, "Survival mode can divorce us from hope; and hope is the nearness of God." That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be closer to God, not shut Him out. I wanted to envelop myself in His loving arms and have Him tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to feel hope again.
I would search through the Bible for divine comprehension as to why my heart had to suffer. I would look up verse after verse on hope and healing and suffering. Eventually I found a common theme running through all these passages: give it all to God and he will comfort you and carry your burdens.
So I laid down my swords, lowered my shields, and let God near. All the scripture that I read, all the prayers I prayed, all the hope that I longed for fell into in my heart that had broke-open. I heard His promises that he would never hurt me and that my happiness was through Him and did not depend on someone else's broken promises or a weaver of lies. And you know what? He was right.
There is happiness to be found in living a life that is not based on any relationship other than your relationship with God. If you have that relationship--or THE relationship--others will surely follow. And if it took my heart breaking open to make me realize that, then I am willing to suffer the pain of a broke-open heart.
So what ever trial you are going through, what ever heartbreak you have suffered, what ever life changes you are in the midst of, know that there is promise in your broke-open heart. Don't divorce yourself from hope--bask in the light that is the nearness of God.
