I Am Here

I was having lunch with a friend the other day. We were talking about how hard it can be to be the "perfect little Christian" at all times. There are times when it seems especially hard like when you're angry at someone or someone has done an injustice to you. She was struggling to forgive and to give up control and hand it all over to God, and I felt her pain. I had been there before -- many times.

I shared a story with her of a time when I was struggling with control issues and I had become very angry with God. Now, in hindsight, I can see it was a control issue, but back then I didn't quite understand what was going on. While I don't remember the circumstances I remember this particular day. It was the day I severed my relationship with God.

Things had gone wrong. And it wasn't just one thing, it was event after event, trial after trial, disappointment upon disappointment. I don't remember the particulars of the proverbial "straw" that set me off--but I remember my rage. 

I was done! Done praying, done asking for favors, done pretending that God was going to help me when He hadn't helped me before. Why did these things have to happen to me? Why did I have to go through all this pain? Why was nothing ever easy?!?

I admit that I had a little tantrum. Okay, maybe it was more than a little one. The truth is ... I lost it. I threw things around the house, yelled, screamed, cried and ended up in a heap on the floor. "No more," I vowed to God, "you will not be a part of my life any more."

To actually write down those words right now scares me, and makes me sad. I wish I could go back in time, take it all back and comfort my younger self.

During this dark time my resolve to keep God out of my life lasted for several months. When ever I would think about Him, I would remind myself why I should no longer go to Him for comfort. He doesn't care. We are all on our own. What difference does it make, really?

You know that song "From A Distance" by Bette Midler?  "From a distance the world looks blue and green and the snow capped mountains white. God is watching us from a distance," the song says.  I believed it, and ended up making it my mantra.

I became less of a person, feeling smaller and sad and something I didn't expect: I felt lonely. I didn't go out and start being a party girl or not being kind to others, but I also didn't go out of my way to help someone, or smile at someone, and I definitely wasn't happier.

Months went by. Life didn't get any better. I wasn't happier without God.

Another day came along, another breaking point, but this time I found myself not collapsing from defiance, I found myself on my knees in defeat. "I'm sorry, God," I said. "I can't do this alone. I was wrong to be angry with you. I was wrong to turn away from you. I need you. I miss you. Please come back into my life. I surrender myself to you."

"I am here," His voice said. "I have always been here. Even when you turned away from me, I continued to watch over you."

Relief washed over me, a great weight lifted off my shoulders, and I was overwhelmed by God's love for me.

This was my lesson on control. It was hard fought, but it was so necessary in my journey of faith.

I liked to control things, be in control, take control of my life, but things had gotten out of control. It wasn't until I gave up that control that things started getting better. 

I was always looking for someone else to make the hard decisions, tell me what choices to make, which path to follow. What I found was that if I prayed over a decision, asked for God's guidance and for the wisdom to see the path I am to follow, it allows me to let Him make the decisions easier for me.

I've had a few little "status check" reminders that I was starting to control things again throughout the years, but I have gotten better and better at recognizing when I am doing this and cutting if off before I dig too deep of a hole for myself.

"Tell me what to do and I'll do it," had become my new mantra. It has gotten me through a lot of tough life choices. Throughout my entire separation and divorce I let God make the decisions I could not bring myself to make. I trusted Him to make the right choice, while I just kept moving forward. It kept me sane. The more I surrendered myself to His will, the easier life became.

So no matter where you find yourself in your faith journey remember this: God is there waiting for you to come to Him. Go to Him, ask, and He will answer.