An Act of Forgiving

There it was again. That random thought that comes out of the blue. Why can't I stop thinking about this? It leaves me unsettled and anxious.

It was three o'clock in the morning and I was wide awake. Something woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. Normally this doesn't happen to me. Lately I've been sleeping quite soundly. Even if I get up to go to the bathroom I usually fall right back to sleep. But on this night something was nagging at me. 

I think about it and notice that lately these same feelings just keep coming up at random: while I'm driving, mowing the lawn, walking the dogs, or sitting in church. Like a stain on a carpet with a rug over it -- you know the one -- every time you move the rug to vacuum you are reminded of it.

"It's time," His voice said. "It's time to forgive." 

Now? At 3:00 in the morning? But I thought I had already done that? 

I had harbored negative emotions for years: anger, betrayal, un-forgiveness, disbelief. I'd gone through the act of forgiving the one who is responsible for my feeling this way. I've sent him light and love and continued to pray for him. Isn't that enough? 

Apparently not. Apparently there's someone else I need to forgive. Apparently I need to forgive myself, too.

So I did what I always do when I can't think of what else to do: I say the "Lord's Prayer." And it came to me, right there in the words I was praying: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."

If God will forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? 

After my divorce I wasn't just angry with my husband, I have to admit that I was angry with myself, too. I kept telling myself, "You're smarter than this. How could you let this happen to you?" Words ran through my head like "stupid" and "gullible" and "fool." But these words aren't directed at my betrayer, they are directed inward, at myself. 

However, I know I'm not stupid or a fool, and is it really a bad thing to be gullible? 

I know from past experience that if you harbor ill will toward someone it does more damage to you than to the person with whom you're upset. Like a backpack with a bowling ball in it, we carry this burden of bitterness with us wherever we go. That burden drains us of our energy -- energy that could be better used elsewhere. But what if you're the one you can't forgive? 

I did some research on the web about forgiving yourself and I found some great things to remember next time I'm "accosted" with these negative thoughts:

• Forgiving yourself will release you from the past.
• You don't need to forgive yourself for being you.
• Remind yourself that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.
• Self-forgiveness is not acceptance of a substandard you.
• Stop punishing yourself!
• Be grateful for what you do have using positive affirmations.
• Remember this life is a journey, not a destination.

As with all things in my life I looked for the answer in prayer. But this time the words wouldn't come. So I asked, instead, for God to help me find the words that will help me heal. My answer came with the help of Joyce Meyer who wrote the following:

"Father, I confess that I've clung stubbornly to anger toward those who've hurt me. Rather than forgive so You can heal me, I've harbored an unforgiving attitude. I have let bitterness about the past poison the precious present, blinding me to Your blessings. Father, today I forgive [my betrayer and myself] and lay my ashes at Your feet so You can turn them into something beautiful. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I forgive, and through my forgiveness I am healed.
Thanks be to God!