Call Me Mara

Do you remember the story of Naomi and Ruth from the Bible? It is a story of loyalty, friendship and commitment, both to God and to each other.

However, there is another story within that story.

At one point the two women are returning to Naomi's homeland and as they enter the town the towns-women are exclaiming, "Is that Naomi?" Naomi answers back saying, "Don't call me Naomi, call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." (Ruth 1:19-21)

In Italian, the meaning of the name "Mara" is "bitter." In essence, Naomi is telling the townspeople that she is very bitter at God for the situation she finds herself in.

There were times when I felt like having people call me Mara.

My study bible says this about feeling bitter towards God: "The road to open rebellion against God starts with bitterness and skepticism, then moves to grumbling about both God and [our] present circumstances. Next comes bitterness and resentment, followed finally by rebellion. If you're often dissatisfied, skeptical, complaining or bitter, beware! That attitude leads to rebellion and separation from God."

I feel like I have been "changed" by my divorce. While I don't feel bitter towards God like Naomi did, I do relate to how she must have felt.

I feel like the whole experience of getting married again, taking a chance, turning my life upside down for someone, and then losing that promised life has left me completely changed; and not necessarily changed in a bad way. It's given me a new perspective and a new way about thinking of things. I try to remember that God did not come to take away our challenges, but to change us on the inside and to empower us to deal with problems from God's perspective.

When facing bitter times I try to offer up honest prayers to God. I tell Him how I'm feeling, what my frustrations are, and what I hope for. I think one of the things I have to remember is to be careful not to overlook the love, strength, and resources that He provides in my present relationships. Like Naomi, I have found my "Ruth's" in my life. They are true blessings to me.

I also think that we can sometimes allow bitterness and disappointment to blind us to opportunities that may be placed on our path so I keep my eyes open and my heart grateful for all the blessings to which I receive.

In Matthew 7:13-14 it says, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (NIV)  The broad road may be easier to take but it has all kinds of room for bitterness, resentment and self-pity. The narrow road, although more difficult to traverse, only has room for the Spirit. It's harder to take the narrow road, but that's the road that leads to a better life.

It doesn't do me any good to be bitter about what has happened. The past is in the past and I can't change what happened. Instead, I concentrate on keeping my attitudes, actions and thoughts focused on God and the present instead of on myself.

Here's some more food for thought. If you are waiting for God to change your present circumstances consider this: He may be waiting for you to take the first step to demonstrate just how important your need is. Just taking that first step, which sometimes can be the hardest one, shows Him how great your faith is. 

The Main Thing

There are many things I like about going to the dog park, but one of the things I love to do while I am there in the summer is hunt for four leaf clovers. 

This past weekend the clover was in full bloom. The light, fragrant scent drifted through the air as I walked through patch after patch of emerald green leaves dotted by light lavender heads popping above the carpet. 

While the dogs are running around sniffing all the things dogs love to sniff, my eyes scan the carpeted ground for the "blip" in the pattern of green. I usually don't have to look too hard, just scan the ground as I walk, and they will jump out at me. There's another four-leaf clover!

A few weeks ago I came across something that I had never seen before--a five leaf clover! I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Since then I've found out that clovers can come with many, many leafs.

By now you should know me well enough to know that after I've plucked my four leaf clover out of the ground I stand there thinking to myself, "There's a life lesson in this." Ah, you know me too well.

Do you ever feel like you are just another three-leaf clover planted in a field with a seven billion other three-leaf clovers? 

As I'm standing in the field surrounded by clover I thought to myself, "What would make me stand out in the crowd? How can I become something special that would stand out among so many other people in this world? How do I become the 'blip' in the pattern?"

I'm not necessarily looking for public recognition, but my hope is that I could do something to make this world a little better place to be. 

The truth of the matter is that I don't really have to do some grand task to make a difference. What I can do is lots of little acts of kindness.  Smile at someone when they look down. Tell someone they look pretty or handsome today. Hold the door open for someone. It really doesn't take much.

The important part is to never feel that your part in this world is insignificant or unimportant. As our pastor reminded us this past Sunday, "People are watching us." They watch what we do and how we react. They watch us to make sure our actions follow our words. 

I think it goes without saying that each and every one of us is important to God. We are all special and precious and unique and we don't need to do anything to be recognized by God. However, as Pastor Dan would say, "The main thing is to remember to keep the main thing the main thing." That's pastor-speak for "remember to keep God in the center of everything": your thoughts, your actions, and your words and the rewards will surely follow.

Here's a little Irish blessing for you.  Read it in your best Irish brogue!  :)

May you always walk in sunshine,

May you never want for more,

May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

I Am Here

I was having lunch with a friend the other day. We were talking about how hard it can be to be the "perfect little Christian" at all times. There are times when it seems especially hard like when you're angry at someone or someone has done an injustice to you. She was struggling to forgive and to give up control and hand it all over to God, and I felt her pain. I had been there before -- many times.

I shared a story with her of a time when I was struggling with control issues and I had become very angry with God. Now, in hindsight, I can see it was a control issue, but back then I didn't quite understand what was going on. While I don't remember the circumstances I remember this particular day. It was the day I severed my relationship with God.

Things had gone wrong. And it wasn't just one thing, it was event after event, trial after trial, disappointment upon disappointment. I don't remember the particulars of the proverbial "straw" that set me off--but I remember my rage. 

I was done! Done praying, done asking for favors, done pretending that God was going to help me when He hadn't helped me before. Why did these things have to happen to me? Why did I have to go through all this pain? Why was nothing ever easy?!?

I admit that I had a little tantrum. Okay, maybe it was more than a little one. The truth is ... I lost it. I threw things around the house, yelled, screamed, cried and ended up in a heap on the floor. "No more," I vowed to God, "you will not be a part of my life any more."

To actually write down those words right now scares me, and makes me sad. I wish I could go back in time, take it all back and comfort my younger self.

During this dark time my resolve to keep God out of my life lasted for several months. When ever I would think about Him, I would remind myself why I should no longer go to Him for comfort. He doesn't care. We are all on our own. What difference does it make, really?

You know that song "From A Distance" by Bette Midler?  "From a distance the world looks blue and green and the snow capped mountains white. God is watching us from a distance," the song says.  I believed it, and ended up making it my mantra.

I became less of a person, feeling smaller and sad and something I didn't expect: I felt lonely. I didn't go out and start being a party girl or not being kind to others, but I also didn't go out of my way to help someone, or smile at someone, and I definitely wasn't happier.

Months went by. Life didn't get any better. I wasn't happier without God.

Another day came along, another breaking point, but this time I found myself not collapsing from defiance, I found myself on my knees in defeat. "I'm sorry, God," I said. "I can't do this alone. I was wrong to be angry with you. I was wrong to turn away from you. I need you. I miss you. Please come back into my life. I surrender myself to you."

"I am here," His voice said. "I have always been here. Even when you turned away from me, I continued to watch over you."

Relief washed over me, a great weight lifted off my shoulders, and I was overwhelmed by God's love for me.

This was my lesson on control. It was hard fought, but it was so necessary in my journey of faith.

I liked to control things, be in control, take control of my life, but things had gotten out of control. It wasn't until I gave up that control that things started getting better. 

I was always looking for someone else to make the hard decisions, tell me what choices to make, which path to follow. What I found was that if I prayed over a decision, asked for God's guidance and for the wisdom to see the path I am to follow, it allows me to let Him make the decisions easier for me.

I've had a few little "status check" reminders that I was starting to control things again throughout the years, but I have gotten better and better at recognizing when I am doing this and cutting if off before I dig too deep of a hole for myself.

"Tell me what to do and I'll do it," had become my new mantra. It has gotten me through a lot of tough life choices. Throughout my entire separation and divorce I let God make the decisions I could not bring myself to make. I trusted Him to make the right choice, while I just kept moving forward. It kept me sane. The more I surrendered myself to His will, the easier life became.

So no matter where you find yourself in your faith journey remember this: God is there waiting for you to come to Him. Go to Him, ask, and He will answer.