There it was again. That random thought that comes out of the blue. Why can't I stop thinking about this? It leaves me unsettled and anxious.
It was three o'clock in the morning and I was wide awake. Something woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. Normally this doesn't happen to me. Lately I've been sleeping quite soundly. Even if I get up to go to the bathroom I usually fall right back to sleep. But on this night something was nagging at me.
I think about it and notice that lately these same feelings just keep coming up at random: while I'm driving, mowing the lawn, walking the dogs, or sitting in church. Like a stain on a carpet with a rug over it -- you know the one -- every time you move the rug to vacuum you are reminded of it.
"It's time," His voice said. "It's time to forgive."
Now? At 3:00 in the morning? But I thought I had already done that?
I had harbored negative emotions for years: anger, betrayal, un-forgiveness, disbelief. I'd gone through the act of forgiving the one who is responsible for my feeling this way. I've sent him light and love and continued to pray for him. Isn't that enough?
Apparently not. Apparently there's someone else I need to forgive. Apparently I need to forgive myself, too.
So I did what I always do when I can't think of what else to do: I say the "Lord's Prayer." And it came to me, right there in the words I was praying: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."
If God will forgive me, why can't I forgive myself?
After my divorce I wasn't just angry with my husband, I have to admit that I was angry with myself, too. I kept telling myself, "You're smarter than this. How could you let this happen to you?" Words ran through my head like "stupid" and "gullible" and "fool." But these words aren't directed at my betrayer, they are directed inward, at myself.
However, I know I'm not stupid or a fool, and is it really a bad thing to be gullible?
I know from past experience that if you harbor ill will toward someone it does more damage to you than to the person with whom you're upset. Like a backpack with a bowling ball in it, we carry this burden of bitterness with us wherever we go. That burden drains us of our energy -- energy that could be better used elsewhere. But what if you're the one you can't forgive?
I did some research on the web about forgiving yourself and I found some great things to remember next time I'm "accosted" with these negative thoughts:
- Forgiving yourself will release you from the past.
- You don't need to forgive yourself for being you.
- Remind yourself that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.
- Self-forgiveness is not acceptance of a substandard you.
- Stop punishing yourself!
- Be grateful for what you do have using positive affirmations.
- Remember this life is a journey, not a destination.
As with all things in my life I looked for the answer in prayer. But this time the words wouldn't come. So I asked, instead, for God to help me find the words that will help me heal. My answer came with the help of Joyce Meyer who wrote the following:
"Father, I confess that I've clung stubbornly to anger toward those who've hurt me. Rather than forgive so You can heal me, I've harbored an unforgiving attitude. I have let bitterness about the past poison the precious present, blinding me to Your blessings. Father, today I forgive [my betrayer and myself] and lay my ashes at Your feet so You can turn them into something beautiful. In Jesus' name, Amen."
I forgive, and through my forgiveness I am healed.
Thanks be to God!
This past weekend my neighborhood has been carpet-bombed by maple tree seeds. There are jillions of them, everywhere.
Throughout the entire weekend my next door neighbor has been outside with his leaf blower trying to stay ahead of the curve in removing them--from his driveway, his rain gutters, his patio. I told him he's fighting a losing battle. He doesn't see it that way.
While my neighbor may see these seeds as a curse, something to clog up his rain gutters and mess up his perfect lawn, I see them as evidence of God's abundance.
This one maple tree in front of my yard is putting out enough seeds for a forest of maple trees. According to Wikipedia, one tree can release hundreds of thousands of seeds. But let's look deeper into why this one tree has so many seeds.
Did you know you can eat the seeds? They are called "samaras" and are high in protein and are known as great survival food. You can eat them raw, boil them, or roast them. You can toss them on a salad or add them to your mashed potatoes. I'm sure the squirrels, chipmunks and other little creatures are enjoying this bountiful harvest, too.
Additionally, the seeds can lay dormant for a couple of years before sprouting. By providing all these seeds God not only makes sure that the trees will survive by perpetuating the species, but also that the other creatures here on earth will benefit from them as well.
Seeing all the helicopters coming from my maple tree isn't the only time I think of how well God provides. I also notice it when I cut into a fruit of any kind. Pumpkins especially get me thinking about this.
One pumpkin has hundreds of seeds, and while they are tasty after being roasted and are packed full of nutrition, they too provide a way to keep the species going. Even if you saved just ten seeds for next year's garden, each new plant could give you three to five pumpkins which, in the end, is a lot of seeds.
All of this is a great reminder of how God provides for all of His creation. It is all part of the circle of life--the trees, the seeds, and the creatures. We are a part of that circle, too. Every time I cut into a piece of fruit I am reminded of this abundance and I send up a prayer of thanksgiving. What a wonderful grand master plan from which we have the privilege to benefit.
I'm off to collect some maple seeds. I'm thinking I'll roast them. I'll let you know how they turn out.
"Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning -- the third day." (Genesis 1:11-13, NIV)
I want to go back to high school.
Not because I had fun with all my friends, or because life was so much easier back then (or so it seemed), but because at this point in my life I'm now interested in learning about the stuff we learned about in high school.
Now, if I sat in American History, I would take an active interest in learning the history of our country. I think my questions would be quite different than they were back then. Same goes with American Government. It sure would be nice to know how things are supposed to work at the government level.
Remember all those math teachers who told us we would use those math equations some day? I found myself wondering the other day how to figure out how much dirt fits in a five gallon bucket (0.77 cubic feet filled to the top, by the way). Square stuff I'm good at, round not so much. I could use those old math equations right about now. Instead, I looked it up on the internet where they gave me the answer, but I still don't know how to figure it out.
Geology was my favorite science class. I loved learning about all the different kind of rocks and how the earth formed. I would love a biology class too--minus the frog dissection. Did they have a class on studying the different kinds of plants and flowers? I want one of those, too.
Then there were the fun classes: choir, music theory, drama and art history. I could use some music theory knowledge right now so I could figure out what the band I sing with is talking about when they say, "Is that a dominant seventh with a 'G' bass chord?"
In home economics we would be able to learn how to bake "gluten-free", sew that cool denim purse that's now back in style, and perfect our embroidery and crocheting skills.
This time around, I would take shop class. I want to learn how to use a table saw and build a piece of furniture, and not be afraid of power tools. Oh, yeah, I would take auto shop class, too.
Plus I think the ultimate perk would be that you had to exercise about an hour every day and the personal trainers were free back in high school! Just, please, no more gym uniforms?
If I could go back now, instead of it being about getting the "A" and keeping up the GPA, it would now be about actually learning the content of the class. Instead of wondering why we had to learn all this useless, trivial knowledge, I see now that it's important to know where we came from and how we got where we are.
I understand that I could just as easily pick up the books or browse the internet to find all the information I need, but it's just not the same. First of all, I don't have the time. I simply can't afford to quit my full time job for a part-time one in order to go to school full-time. Second, looking stuff up on the internet or reading a book is different. It's not a structured class, run by a person who specializes in a particular subject, with a curriculum set in place, and your fellow students thoughts to help expand your knowledge.
We need a high school for grown ups. Maybe we could start one for people who are retiring. I would love to do that when I retire. Unfortunately that's not going to be for many years.
Until then I expand my knowledge from shows on The History Channel, PBS and other TV shows. Painting class is next. Time to go learn how to paint "little happy trees" from Bob Ross.
